I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
