I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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