Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
