dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
