im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
