I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
