Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
