I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
