so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
