I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
