God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
