If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
