I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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