My sheets look like a crime scene.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Randomize
