he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
