I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
