happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize