The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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