you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
