i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
