Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
