dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
