It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
