I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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