note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize