How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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