omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
