I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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