Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
