It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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