How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
