I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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