its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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