Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
