You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
