Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
