I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
