Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she pinky promised me she was 18
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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