your room smells of hookers.
And success
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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