Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
