I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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