I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
