If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
