all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
