When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
