Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
