so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
