I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
