matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
