i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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