The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
