woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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