is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
