Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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