Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You are the jesus of drinking
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
