I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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