I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize