She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize