More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
