i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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