Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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