Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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