Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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