Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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