I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
