i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
