I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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