pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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