I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize